Hello!
After a hiatus of more than 18 months I've decided to pick this blog up again.
Life in general, what with a toddler, work and all the other things going on, means I have let this slide.
But I love to write and so I am going to try to be more disciplined about posting from now on.
What prompted me was a request from Milli Hill, the founder of the Positive Birth Movement, about why many women are made to feel that they have failed if they do not give birth in the "natural" way.
Here is the piece I wrote and below is the link to Milli's article which uses some of what I have written.
I think I had preconceptions of what I wanted my birth to be long before my son was born.
I carried him for nine months and I wanted to work hard to bring him into the world, so when it didn't go to plan and I had to have an emergency caesarean I felt like I had failed as a woman.
Giving birth is like a right of passage. I was so sick when my son was born that I had to have a C-section under a general anaesthetic. I don't remember much about the day he was born, I don't remember feeding him for the first time, I don't remember photos being taken even though I have seen them a thousand times since.
His birth was never going to be easy. He was a stubborn breech baby who refused to turn despite me spending hours on all fours, going to the hospital for an ECV and finally trying moxibustion in the hope it might help.
Despite this I refused to book in for a C-section and had a long chat with the head of midwives about having a natural breech birth.
Fortunately, she was extremely supportive of my decision so I knew when the time came the labour ward would be ready for me.
But it was not meant to be. The day after my 38-week appointment I started to feel poorly and when my baby stopped moving as much two days later I thought I should go to the hospital to make sure everything was ok.
This is the part I find bittersweet.
Of course I am glad I went when I did because if I hadn't neither my son or I would be here today. I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia which turned into HELLP after he was born. I was extremely ill and almost died.
My son's oxygen levels were also borderline when he was born and I subsequently found out that if he hadn't been born when he was he would've become hypoxic and would either have been severely brain damaged or dead.
But once the initial shock of what had happened to me wore off and I was back at home following a lengthy spell in hospital I began to grieve for the birth I'd been denied, the birth I felt had been taken away from me.
Even now I tell people I've made my peace with it, but in all honesty I'm not sure I ever will.
My rational brain knows that what happened was the only thing that could have happened at the time. But the devil on my shoulder tells me I'm not a proper woman because I didn't give birth in the "natural" way.
Having spoken to other women who have undergone an emergency C-section I know I am not alone in feeling this way.
I think there is a lot of pressure on women to have a birth without any medical intervention whatsoever.
Of course this is what I would have liked but even 50 years ago a woman in my situation would most probably have died without it.
I think the pressure to give birth naturally quite often comes, unintentionally, from other women, from our mothers, from the women you see giving birth on TV, but mostly I think it comes from the high expectation we have of ourselves.
So although I am sad I did not get the birth I wanted, I am blessed because I have a beautiful son and a scar which I will always wear with pride.
http://www.bestdaily.co.uk/your-life/blog/a591011/natural-birth-plans-why-do-epidurals-and-caesareans-feel-like-a-failure.html
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